


I'll fly a little higher

by isogai



Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Hospital, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-29
Updated: 2015-10-19
Packaged: 2018-04-17 22:00:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4682921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isogai/pseuds/isogai
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He was nineteen, just like me, with a pretty face and a nice smile.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Memory

I never liked hospitals.

After double-checking at the information desk, I found myself on my way to room 213 – ignoring the depressing atmosphere lingering in this building. It was just a short visit, I’d convinced myself. I’d be back outside in no time – enjoying the blue sky and the birds singing and all of that good, _non-hospitaly_ stuff I was so used to.

“Yo.”

I peeked through the door, which had already been slightly opened, but didn’t bother to wait on an answer before walking in.

“Well if it isn’t Maehara.”

“’Sup, Sugino.”

The short-haired boy lifted up his nicely wrapped leg and shrugged. “I should be able to run around again in no time!”

“That’s good,” I nodded, before sitting down in the chair next to his bed. “Still, it was a big shock for all of us.”

Sugino laughed uncomfortably, rubbing the back of his head with his right hand. “I got lucky – it wasn’t anything serious. Kind of embarrassing, though. I heard Kanzaki was watching the game.”

“Has anyone else stopped by yet?”

“Ah, Nagisa just left. He told me you’d be visiting. I’m happy you came, it gets a bit lonely sometimes. Well, at least I get visitors, I suppose…”

His eyes drifted away to the boy on the other side of the room. I hadn’t noticed him yet, maybe because he hadn’t been making any noise, but there was something about him that immediately caught my attention.

The boy was sitting upright, his hands resting on his lap as he was staring out of the window. Expressionless, not moving at all. He almost looked like a doll, even, with his pale face and features that would make a lot of girls’ hearts skip a beat. Well, and mine.

“That’s what he does all day,” Sugino whispered, bringing me back to reality. “When he isn’t staring out of the window or being taken care of by a nurse, he’s reading.”

“No one ever comes to visit him?”

Sugino shook his head, his eyes fixated on the wilted flowers next to the boy’s bed. “One of the nurses told me the last time he saw a family member was over a month ago. I don’t think he has any friends.”

“What about his parents?”

Sugino shook his head again, and that was all I needed to understand.

A single knock on the door was enough to make me jump a little, making the baseball player laugh. I ignored him and turned in my chair to see one of the nurses entering the room, walking past Sugino’s bed. I definitely did not check out her ass when she did.

“How are you, Isogai-kun?”

“Feeling healthy as always, Hakujo-san,” the boy answered with a smile.

If I hadn’t been mesmerized enough by this point, that smile had to have been the frosting on the cake. I never thought people in this situation would still be able to smile like that, but it was enough to light up this dull-looking room.

“That’s good to hear,” the nurse said as she was writing some things down on the piece of paper stuck to her clipboard. Her face was difficult to make out, but it was certain that everything wasn’t as positive as he may have made it out to be.

After she was done with his check-up, she took out a piece of candy which she gently placed in his lap. The nurse winked at him, made a shhh-gesture with her finger, and left the room. It almost seemed as if this was routine, and the boy definitely didn’t look surprised at her antics.

He definitely seemed to be too old for pity candy, but it didn’t stop him from smiling as he opened up the wrapper and hummed appreciatively while he was chewing on the pink sweet. All while managing not to look in our direction once.

I was craving something sweet all of the sudden.

“How’s the job hunt, by the way?”

I realised I hadn’t uttered a word ever since the nurse came in, and Sugino looked at me with a raised eyebrow. Almost judgingly, even.

“Aah,” I sighed, sinking deeper into my chair, “and I was in such a good mood too.”

“Nothing, huh.”

“Sure must be nice to earn money doing the things you love, Mister pro baseball player.”

“I hardly make enough money to make a living, you know,” Sugino retorted. Saying the words out loud was painful, though.

“If I could make money by going on dates I’d be rich!”

“We get it, womanizing bastard guy.”

“I haven’t heard that nickname since middle school. Sure is nostalgic.”

“Only you could take pride in something like that, Maehara.”

Choosing not to react to that statement, I stood up from my chair and threw my hands behind my head.

“You leaving?”

“I’m going for a walk. I’ll be back.”

“A walk? In the hospital?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re a strange guy.”

“Don’t run away while I’m gone,” I laughed, giving his cast a few pats. He didn’t seem to appreciate my joke, but I sure did.

I shoved my hands in the pockets of my jeans as I walked through the hospital corridor. “Isogai, huh.”

The lack of attention to my surroundings resulted in me almost bumping into a coughing old man, nearly running over a kid – but in my defense, the kid almost headbutted into me – and narrowly escaping death by wheelchair. After turning half the people in this building into my mortal enemies without my knowledge, I made it outside without a single scratch.

I’d wondered what the boy could’ve been looking at all this time, but when I was met with a scenery of green, red, purple and yellow – it finally made sense. It wasn’t visible from the front of the building, but the garden here was stunningly beautiful. Admittedly, I had never been a flower guy, but I had the sudden urge to roll in the grass and write poetry after dirtying myself with paint.

Ignoring the funny faces some of the patients made when I laid down in the grass, I stared at the sky and wondered if the boy named Isogai had ever done the same thing. Or maybe he wanted to but couldn’t. Maybe it was the other way around. Maybe he was just waiting for the opportunity. Was it really any of my business? Was I even allowed to make assumptions based on the conversation I had with Sugino, the look the nurse gave him, or the eyes that didn’t smile when the mouth did?

And then it hit me: why exactly did I care so much for a boy I hadn’t even talked to yet?

It might have been guilt, the feeling in my stomach.

It might have been something else entirely.


	2. Acceptance

“Sugino is home already?”

“Well, yeah. He only had to stay in the hospital for a few days. Why are you surprised? It’s just a broken leg,” Nagisa shrugged. He didn’t seem too concerned.

“I was thinking of paying him a visit again.”

I paid for my coffee and put the change in my pocket before heading outside. It was still early. Too early.

“I didn’t know you two were such good friends,” Nagisa commented, not really convinced by my selfless behaviour.

“It’s not like I have anything better to do.”

I failed to mention there was an ulterior motive to my visit.

“And that’s why you’re meeting me before class?”

“Exactly.” 

“I should’ve known,” the blue-haired boy laughed.

“Talking about class, I should get going.”

“Have fun, I guess.” 

“Bye. Good luck with the job interview.”

“Yeah, thanks.”

I already knew it was going to be hopeless, but I couldn’t tell him that. The idea of becoming a male stripper sounded better with each passing day. I could definitely make it in the business, I convinced myself.

The interview was over in no time, but the “Thanks for coming, we’ll give you a call” was something I had heard all too often. My phone hadn’t rung in months.

My real objective for today was visiting the hospital, but every step closer was a slightly faster beating heart. I could easily turn around and forget everything that happened yesterday, never learn the boy’s full name and just move on with my life. Maybe our paths shouldn’t cross. Maybe I’d just be a nuisance to him.

But I wanted to know.

The trip somehow seemed shorter than it was yesterday, and I debated going home the entire time, but my legs weren’t cooperating. Already knowing where to go, I went straight to room 213, but froze once I actually got there. Just to add to my patheticness.

After mustering up enough courage to knock twice, I finally grabbed the door handle and walked in. Sugino’s bed was empty, and I figured no one else had been assigned this room yet – something I was thankful for. I’d gladly avoid anything that would make this entire thing even more awkward.

The boy looked at me with a mixed look of confusion and surprise, and I almost wanted to tell him “wrong room, sorry” and run away as fast as I could – but that wouldn’t be very Hiroto-like. I wondered if I’d accidentally swallowed all of my confidence the moment I set foot in this building. Maybe I’d gotten sick. Yeah, that would be explain my sweaty forehead and the pain in my chest. Sickness.

“Uh, I’m–”

“Maehara… right?”

He knew my name.

“You know me?”

Isogai laughed. Somehow, I had made him laugh. I wanted to do it again.

“You were here just yesterday.”

“Well, yeah…”

“Did Sugino forget something?”

He was awfully perceptive. I didn’t even realise he knew the name of his temporary roommate, let alone his visitors. He must’ve been listening in on our conversation this entire time.

“No. I came here to visit you.”

Maybe that was a bit too straightforward.

“Me?”

I nodded. I walked a bit closer, but still kept my distance, as if I was waiting for his permission to stand next to his bed.

“Is this because of what Sugino told you?”

There it was. Somehow I knew this question was unavoidable – he would have to ask what I was doing here eventually, but I wasn’t expecting it to be this soon. I fiddled with my thumbs, not sure what to tell him.

“Do you pity me, Maehara?”

He didn’t look angry, in fact, there was a look of curiosity in his eyes. The vibe he gave off wasn’t hostile at all, but calming rather, and it was enough for me to be able to take another step forward. It almost seemed as if I were the patient here.

I looked at the floor, not wanting to answer his question. Not knowing how. Had pity been the incentive behind my actions? Was the feeling in my gut just that – pity? How was it even possible for me to answer his question when I wasn’t even sure what brought me here in the first place? I was never the person to think before I acted, and today might have been the first time I regretted my actions.

Isogai’s lips curled into a small smile and he put the book he was reading away.

“It’s true what he said. I don’t have any friends. Well, I used to. They all stop coming after a while.”

He nodded at me as a way to tell me it was okay to come closer, and I nervously took a seat.

“I used to go to school like everyone else. I even joined the tennis club back in middle school. You know, I never blamed anyone.”

_They all stop coming after a while._

“But they were your friends!”

He seemed surprised by sudden outburst, but quickly regained his composure and stared outside of the window.

“Maehara, do you have friends?”

I felt a bit insulted by his question. I don’t think I looked like someone who didn’t have any friends, in fact, it was pretty much the exact opposite – I was liked by my peers, and I’d always been popular in both middle and high school.

“Of course I do.”

There was the smile again. If it had been anyone else, it might have looked patronizing, but every single one of his smiles had been genuine so far.

“How many of them would you trust with your life?”

My mouth fell open. This wasn’t the follow-up question I was expecting. Taken aback, I couldn’t even answer. But maybe he knew that. Maybe he’d realised something I hadn’t even realised myself. He asked the question because he very well knew it was an impossible one to answer. How many? More importantly – how many of them would trust me with their life? How well did I really know everyone I considered my friends? How well did they know me?

“You don’t have to think so hard,” Isogai laughed. “But there you have your answer.”

“This setting is all wrong,” I sighed, “I didn’t come here to have my life reevaluated.”

“Then why did you come here?”

“Good question.” I paused. “Would you believe me if I said I didn’t know?”

“So it was pity after all?”

“How did you come to this conclusion?”

“You don’t strike me as a philanthropist.”

I didn’t look too amused, but Isogai seemed to have fun insulting me. The saddest part was that he seemed to hit the nail on the head. For someone stuck in a small room with no friends and only nurses and doctors to talk to, he sure seemed to possess extraordinary people skills.

“Well, you didn’t exactly strike me as a psychologist. But here we are.”

The dark-haired boy laughed again, louder this time, making the antennae on his head jump up. His charm was almost threatening.

“Let’s play a game! Your son and daughter both have been kidnapped. You can only save one, who do you pick? You have 5 seconds to answer.”

“What kind of game is that?!”

“Four!”

I sighed. I had no idea what to make of this guy. “It obviously depends on who I like better.”

Isogai looked at me, blinked a few times, and then burst out into laughter once again. “You’re horrible.”

“You’re the one who asked! How did you even come up with this?”

“I read it in a manga.”

His genuine response was somehow very adorable, in a way. Somewhere behind that serious mask of his was a kid who missed out on part, if not most of his childhood. I wondered - when was the last time he laughed this much?

Part of me was still confused and looking for answers, but the other part of me felt very safe, very accepted – I wasn’t nervous anymore, and my conversation with him no longer felt forced. If he hadn’t been sick and stuck in this hospital… we might have very well been friends.

“I never properly introduced myself, did I?”

Isogai cocked his head to the side. I stood up.

“The name’s Maehara Hiroto. Nice to meet you,” I said before extending my hand. Isogai grabbed it with his own – his hands were surprisingly soft – and shook it.

“Isogai Yuuma.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alternate title: maehara suffers from an existential crisis
> 
> special shout out to my beta kat because i suffer from "never rereads what she writes" syndrome.
> 
> oh and feel free to hit me up on [tumblr](http://ohshc.tumblr.com/) (and yell at me to write faster/talk to me about maeiso)!! ((check out [kat](http://yelumi.tumblr.com/) too while you're at it))


	3. Encounter

_“Is it okay if I stop by again tomorrow?”_

It was a simple question, but the way the dark haired boy’s eye shone made it seem like I just told him he’d won the lottery. The twinkle in his eye was enough motivation for me to visit him every day, but I left that part out on purpose when I told him to wait for me.

I decided to stop by the flower shop on the way to the hospital and walked out content with my purchase. Unlike yesterday, the air didn’t feel as heavy and I could actually breathe through my mouth. Not having any obligations today, I was ready to spend the day getting to know Isogai Yuuma better – and secretly hoped the feeling was mutual.

My phone rang and I looked at the screen to see the name of a girl I didn’t recognize, and picked up with furrowed brows.

“Hell-”

_“Where were you yesterday?”_

“Who is this?”

_“Your date!”_

“Huh.”

 _“You’re an asshole, Maehara Hiroto.”_ Beep.

This wasn’t the first time someone ended a phone conversation insulting me, but it was definitely the most confusing phone call I was on the receiving end of.

The call became undoubtedly less confusing once I consulted my calendar and noticed I was supposed to go on a date yesterday. Well, whadd’ya know. I obviously had better things to do.

It took me less time to navigate the hospital with each visit, and I was starting to feel like a regular when one of the nurses seemed to recognize me and greeted me with a smile.  
One knock was enough, I decided, and I entered the room waving the flowers around.

“I got you a gift.”

Isogai’s eyes lit up. “You got me flowers?”

“Yep, let’s get rid of these ugly things.”

Isogai hastily grabbed my arm when I wanted to take the old ones away and shook his head at me. I complied.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

I put the new ones next to the others on the small table, and the dark haired boy looked at them in awe.

“You like them?”

Isogai nodded, his behaviour was almost child-like – he acted as if he was a little kid who’d just gotten a piece of candy, and I almost melted right on the spot.

I sat down and smiled at the way Isogai couldn’t take his eyes off the flowers. Once he noticed I’d been staring at him in a not-so-subtle way, his red cheeks gave away his embarrassment and I pretended to look at the artwork hanging on the wall the moment I realised I’d been found out.

“Uh, anyway,” I began, trying to change topics, “that one cute nurse smiled at me when I walked in. I think she’s into me.”

Isogai chuckled. “Wasn’t she just being polite?”

I scoffed. “Have you seen me? I’m irresistible. All the girls want me.”

“Hmm, really now.”

Isogai raised an eyebrow, but it was easy to see he was trying to hide his grin.

“Are you making fun of me?”

“I wouldn’t dare.”

“I ditched a girl to be with you and this is what I get,” I sighed.

“Hmm, so it was true,” Isogai mused, tilting his head a bit to get a better look at me.

“What?”

“You really are a womanizing bastard guy.”

I balled my hand into a fist and mentally cursed Sugino for bringing the nickname up. There was definitely more to Isogai’s personality than I knew, but the way he smiled after the casual insults he threw at me was proof enough for the fact that there was little truth to the words he spoke. In fact, he might have been the most gentle guy I’d ever met. Not that I was ever going to tell him that.

“It’s not nice to listen in on someone’s conversations, you know.”

“Your secrets are safe with me,” he answered, putting his index finger to his lips as he winked.

Special move: Isogai’s wink. -1000 life points. Game over, man.

“You make it seem like I spilled my entire life story,” I said, a blush reddening my cheeks.

“Your name is Maehara Hiroto. You don’t have a job and spend your free time dating and going on lone romantic walks in the hospital.”

“First of all: curse your memory, and secondly; that was one time!”

“Did you see it?”

“See what?”

“The garden.”

Isogai pointed his chin at the window. I nodded.

“Yeah. It was pretty.”

The dark haired boy looked at me and smiled. “What were you thinking about?”

“Huh?”

Isogai scratched his cheek and blushed. “I was watching you. Well, I saw you. Coincidentally.”

He’d actually been watching me. I gulped, not sure what to think or feel.

“Uh…”

_I was thinking about you._

“… stuff.”

“Ahh, right, that’s none of my business. I should stop butting in in your personal life. I’m sorry, Maehara.”

It was the first time he apologized – the first time he didn’t have a witty response ready for me. Of course I’d realised we’d been acting awfully buddy-buddy with each other for two near-strangers, but it hadn’t felt weird. It was pretty much the opposite, actually.

“Hiroto.”

This time it was Isogai’s turn to look surprised.

“… Hiroto is fine.”

“Hiroto,” he repeated, and it was hard for me to ignore the strange feeling in my chest when he said my name. “Then, call me Yuuma.”

“O-okay,” I stuttered, too embarrassed to repeat it back at him immediately. I made sure to say it in my head a couple of times, though, just to get used to it. And also because I really liked saying his name, but that information was top secret.

“Thanks.”

“What are you thanking me for?”

“For the flowers. The visits. Everything. Thanks, Hiroto.”

I was almost certain now he was just saying my name with the sole purpose of getting me flustered, and I was ashamed to admit it was working. Not exactly sure what to say, I muttered “no problem”, but avoided eye contact while doing so.

_Maybe I should thank him too._

 

* * *

 

“You know, if both my son and daughter were kidnapped I’d try to save the both of them.”

“Huh?”

I leaned on the window sill and looked at the ceiling, eyes fixated on a tiny spot clearly visible in a sea of white.

“Nothing of that ‘you can save only one’ bullshit. I’d find a way, somehow.”

“You actually thought about it.”

He seemed surprised.

“I have a lot of time on my hands,” I admitted.

“And if there really was no way you could save both of them?”

“I’m a glass half-full type of guy.”

Isogai chuckled. “You’re right. I think I would try and save the both of them too.”

“Definitely.”

The dark-haired boy smiled, staring into space. “You see, I have two younger siblings. I can’t imagine sacrificing one of them to save the other. It’s not right.”

I’d already noticed he avoided the subject of his family up until now. Even when mentioning his friends, he never talked about his parents or other family members. I never questioned it – never wanted to, not even when he let his guard down and I caught him looking at the flowers outside with a faded smile and sorrowful eyes.

“Your siblings…”

Isogai took a deep breath. “My dad died when I was younger. My mom’s health is poor, so I had to take care of her and my siblings by myself.”

He avoided eye contact. I couldn’t help but stare at him; at his vibrant golden eyes, his trembling lips – it was hard to look away when his beauty was this entrancing, I thought, and it almost made me want to reach out and feel his skin under my fingers.

“The first time it happened, I was at school.”

“It?”

Isogai shot me a glance and smiled. “I collapsed. Just like that.”

“Yuuma.”

I don’t think I was ready.

“Yes?”

“It’s okay. You don’t have to tell me. Not yet.”

I definitely wasn’t ready.

“Huh?” Isogai looked at his hands. “I’m…”

I instinctively grabbed one of his arms and pulled him in for a hug he didn’t know he needed. It was true. I wasn’t ready to see him cry – but it might have been the first time I thought someone’s tear stained face could look this beautiful.

Isogai Yuuma was nineteen, just like me, with a pretty face and a nice smile. But at this very moment, he went back to being the vulnerable middle school student he never got to be.

Our worlds had never been further apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “that chapter was so sweet and gay I got cavities” - kat
> 
> thank you so much to the people who've commented on the previous chapter, i would reply personally but i'm a shy mess, but thank you, it really means the world to me


	4. Innocence

I never really questioned anything.

From the moment I was born to the moment they’d have to lower me in my grave, I would’ve been perfectly fine living life from day to day in the most cliché setting you could think of. I’d eventually get married, have kids, have grandkids, and hopefully be fortunate enough to die of old age.

And when I say ‘perfectly fine’, I mean that I had never really considered any other options, nor had met anyone yet that had changed my view on the world – someone who’d challenge me, motivate me to get out of my comfort zone and _do_ something.

Truth be told, I was bored of this life. I might have been bored for a very long time, and maybe somewhere deep inside I’d always longed for adventure, something that would spice up my life merely consisting of drinking and dating. I craved _more_ , something different, but I never acted upon my desires. I just didn’t know better.

So when I met him, I realised that the answer was right in front of me, that I had finally found that something that my life had been lacking.

I never liked hospitals.

It was definitely true at the time. Still is – but room 213 is a different story.  
  


* * *

 

  
I made sure to bring him new flowers every so often, and he’d always been appreciative of it, but the ‘thank you’ was always followed by a ‘stop wasting your money on me’. It was no different this time either.

“I’m not _wasting_ my money, I’m putting it to good use.”

I was almost sure he was sick of hearing it, but his smile defeated the purpose of the deep sigh he let out. Hesitantly accepting them, he looked around the room, then back at me.

“I’m running out of space.”

“Nonsense.”

I walked around for a bit, trying to look for a free spot somewhere, and threw my hands in the air in defeat after a solid minute of looking around.

“See?”

“I’ll ask Hakujo-san for another table or something,” I said, reaching for the red button behind Isogai. He’d gotten used to having my chest shoved into his face as I happily abused the power of the button, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t be blushing every time it happened.

Isogai was surprised I hadn’t gotten kicked out of the hospital already, he’d told me.

“Something wrong, Isogai-kun?” A female voice asked. The nurse peeked through the door, her face changing quickly as she saw me leaning over the dark-haired boy – again.

“Oh, you’re getting faster!” I complimented her, retracting my hand. “We might need another table.”

“Listen here, you little devil,” the nurse began, walking towards me with a smile that looked anything but comforting. “This is a hospital, not a 5 star hotel. If you press that button one more time, I’ll make sure you can press it as many times as you want once you’re admitted here.”

Isogai chuckled into his hand, and I could only stare at her with an open mouth. She left without another word and I looked at my hands in distress.

“She’s scary.”

“Hakujo-san is a nice person,” Isogai reacted, still laughing. “She was never like this before.”

“This is strange. Girls usually like me. She should’ve fallen for my charm by now.”

“Looks like your plan failed… is there a plan B?”

“Does it look like I have a plan B?” I sighed, glancing at the flowers still in Isogai’s hands. I was ready to take them back, but was interrupted by a knock on the door.

Nurse Hakujo walked in, pushing a small, white table on wheels all the way to the corner of the room. Isogai gave her the flowers after she held out her hands, and she carefully put them on the table.

“This is the last time I’m doing you a favour.”

A visibly irritated nurse pointed at me before turning to Isogai, smiled at him, and left the room once again.

“An angel in white,” I fake-sobbed, dropping down to my knees and resting my arms on the bed.

Isogai patted me on the head. “There there.”

It was oddly comforting, the way his hand rested on top of my head. I decided it wouldn’t hurt to stay like this for a while.

The dark-haired boy unknowingly agreed.  
  


* * *

 

  
“Hey, Yuuma?”

Isogai hummed as he flipped the page of the book he was reading. It would happen, times like this where we’d both sit here in silence – he’d be reading more often than not, and I would be on my laptop applying for jobs. We were happy enough to just be in each other’s company.

“Why don’t we get out of here?”

He looked up this time, gripping the book a bit tighter as if he needed something to hold on to.

“Hiroto, as much as I’d like to–”

“Then, once you do get better, will you come with me?”

Isogai looked at me, unsure, hesitating – not really knowing what to make of my question.

I bit my lip. “To be frank, before we met, I didn’t really have a goal. I saw people around me making plans for the future, following their dreams – they somehow felt very distant from me. I couldn’t relate to them, and I’d wonder if there was something wrong with me, if it was wrong to not have a dream.”

The dark-haired boy listened intently. It had been the first time I talked about how myself, I realised, or rather what had been going on before I’d met him.

“I’m not very smart, and from a very young age I knew I was never going to get into college, so I didn’t even try. Teachers called me hopeless, but I simply couldn’t bring myself to care. I wasn’t trying to become a doctor or lawyer like my classmates, I wasn’t studying hard like everyone else did. Not that I was unhappy, because I wasn’t – I’d like to think I had a good childhood despite everything. What I’m trying to say is… I’m still trying to figure everything out, but once I do–”

We locked eyes, and I breathed in.

“–I want you to be there with me.”

Isogai put his book away.

“That’s unreasonable, Hiroto.”

I was ready to protest, but then he smiled.

“I think it’s okay to not have a dream. That’s what I like about you. You live in the moment, worrying about the future wouldn’t be like you at all. Am I wrong?”

“You’re never wrong. It’s scary that you’re never wrong.”

He chuckled. “The answer is yes. I will come with you. Once I get better.”

“Once you get better.”

Isogai nodded, his smile big as ever, and picked his book back up. I stared at him.

Somehow, it felt off.

There was something he wasn’t telling me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you have no idea how many times i rewrote this chapter. so many terrible deleted scenes.
> 
> sorry it's so short!! every time i aim for longer chapters i fail


	5. Solitude

It was early in the morning, but I didn’t exactly know how early – I’d seen the sunrise, I’d heard the birds singing, but everything had been so peaceful and quiet for a while I didn’t even realise how many hours had passed.

But I knew for a fact I hadn’t slept at all that night, Isogai’s words buzzing through my head like a broken record. It was strange, his behaviour hadn’t changed one bit – he was still the same old Yuuma, with an everlasting smile and a twinkle in his eyes.

It was the one second of hesitation, the slight tremble in his lip, he might not even have realised it himself.

How many weeks had passed since we first met?

Isogai Yuuma was no longer a stranger, no longer someone I simply felt sorry for. He was so much more than that. He might have very well become the person I care about most in this whole world. The word ‘friend’ never felt so inadequate.

Then why couldn’t we be honest with each other?

 

 

* * *

 

_“Yuuma, promise me you’ll tell the truth.”_

_The dark-haired boy looked up and raised an eyebrow. “Have I ever lied to you?”_

_“Just promise me.”_

_“Okay. I promise.”_

_I hesitated for a bit before asking my question. “You’re… allowed to go outside right?”_

_I watched as he swallowed. He closed his book, more loudly than usual, but I still couldn’t detect any hint of anger in his eyes. Isogai never did get angry, but for some reason, I wanted him to this time._

_“One of the nurses told you?”_

_“After I asked them.”_

_He sighed. “I see.”_

_“Why?”_

_“Huh?”_

_“Why don’t you go outside? Why choose to lock yourself up like this?”_

_“Hiroto…”_

_“You’re always staring out of the goddamn window like that!”_

_Somehow, I was the one getting angry. I’d almost forgotten what it felt like._

_“Hiroto, listen-”_

_“You used to before. They told me. You used to go outside. You used to-”_

_“I made a promise!”_

_It had been the first time he raised his voice like this. I swallowed._

_“She promised me.”_

_I couldn’t even ask him what he meant._

_“Yuuma, I…”_

_“My mom. Last time she visited me, we went outside to look at the flowers together. Before she left, she told me: ‘Let’s look at the flowers together again next time, okay? Promise?’. And I promised her. I told her I’d wait. I’ve been waiting this whole time.”_

_I was an idiot._

_“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”_

_He was trying his best not to cry, and all I wanted to tell him was that I was sorry a million times, so I just held his hand._

_He laughed. Not the usual, cheerful laugh – it was the kind of mocking laugh, as if he was laughing at himself._

_“I don’t even know what day it is today. I don’t even know how many days, weeks or months have passed since. I know she hasn’t broken her promise. I’m waiting for her to get better. For me to get better.”_

_“You know, she never said you couldn’t look at the flowers with someone else.”_

_He looked at me with his golden eyes, now wet, and I ran my fingers through his hair._

_This is how it should be._

 

 

* * *

 

The whole situation made me realise that, not only were we not completely honest with each other, I also wasn’t honest with my own feelings.

It’s strange – a year ago I didn’t even know a boy named Isogai Yuuma existed, let alone knew that he’d end up being the one I fell for.

Realisation hits hard.

 

 

_Once I get better._

 

I ran as fast as I could, ignoring the stares and the murmurs of people I passed.

Every minute spent with him suddenly seemed a whole lot more precious. If only I’d realised sooner, I kept thinking to myself, I could’ve had more time. Was I too dense to realise or was he too kind to not make me realise?

We spend a lot of time together but he might have very well been alone this entire time. Alone in his sorrow, not being able to share his pain – I was just there to not make him fully break down.

_“Do you pity me, Maehara?”_

I really did hate that word. It wasn’t pity. Why did it take me so long to figure that part out?

 

When I saw the empty bed, I panicked. “Yuuma!”

_I love you._

“Yuuma?!”

I ran outside and spotted the dark-haired boy – he was sitting in a wheelchair, looking at the flowers. Smiling. My heart skipped a beat.

“Yuuma!”

_I love you._

“Hiroto?”

“Yuuma.”

_I love you._

“The flowers here are so pretty,” Isogai mused, playing with his fingers in his hands. He’d never looked this delicate before, I pondered.

“Yuuma…”

Lord, I sounded like a broken record.

I moved closer and I stood in front of him, blocking his view. He looked at me curiously, turning his eyes away from the flowers.

There were a million things I wanted to tell him, but I could only save enough breath for the three words I wanted to utter the most.

“I love you.”

As if those words took the last bit of my strength, I dropped to my knees. I was almost face to face with him now, but I couldn’t quite make out the look in his eyes.

“Hiroto, I’m dying.”

They were firm, those words of his. This was the first time he’d said it out loud, but it didn’t exactly come as a shock. I knew. Of course I knew.

“Yuuma.”

“You’re crying.”

Isogai took my face in his hands, wiping the tears I didn’t realise were rolling down my cheeks with his thumbs. “There. Don’t cry.”

I felt pathetic. I wanted to say something, _anything_ , but not a single word would come out.

“I love you too, Hiroto.”

My heart skipped another beat as he drew me in closer, his nose touching mine as he closed his eyes. I could feel his breath on my face and moved forward to close the gap between us. It might have lasted only a few seconds, but I could still feel his lips on mine minutes after he pulled back.

“You’re still crying.”

I laughed weakly. “I know. You are too.”

“I know.”

“Don’t give up on getting better, Yuuma. You have a promise to fulfill.”

“Of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this took incredibly long. classes are killing me. another short chapter and the end is near (or is it), chapter 6 might possibly be the last, but i still have a bonus chapter/epilogue in store so i hope you guys look forward to that as well!
> 
> (also you don't know how much i appreciate each kudo, comment and bookmark. i really do ;u;)


	6. Odds and Ends

“I thought you were experienced? Why are you the one getting flustered?” Isogai laughed, giving my hand a squeeze.

“I-I’m not! Shut up!” I retorted, avoiding eye contact. The way I kept staring at the door, getting jumpy from only the smallest sound, wasn’t exactly subtle – it was enough to make Isogai wonder if my entire dating history was just a made up story.

I convinced myself I needed some time to get used to the idea that the ikemen sitting in front of me was in fact my _boyfriend_ – how did this happen again? – even though I’d been the one who confessed, more or less.

The sensation was different, new, something I’d never felt before. But it felt real, and more importantly, it felt _right_.

What made me come back to this place again and again, to the hospital I’d despised so much, was definitely not pity. I was a bit more selfish than that, I knew that much. That didn’t necessarily mean I believed in love at first sight – as strange as that may sound, coming from me – I’d simply been interested in a sick boy with no friends, that’s it.

“So where will you take me on our first date?”

I snapped out of my inner thoughts, my heart beating faster by the minute.

“I didn’t think I’d actually get this far so I never gave it any thought,” I reluctantly admitted.

Isogai smiled at me. “You’re incredibly dense, did you know that?”

“Huh?”

“And kind of an idiot. But then again, so am I,” the dark-haired boy sighed. “You know, when you came here the first time, I almost wanted to tell you to never visit again.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“I didn’t want to get attached to someone I might possibly never see again. I kept thinking: _Why would this boy I never met before come see me?_ So I thought it would be better to tell you to leave. That it would be better for the both of us.”

He paused and looked at me. I almost wanted to say something in return, but decided against it.

“I didn’t want to keep it a secret. My illness, I mean. But I couldn’t tell you, no matter how hard I tried. You’d come in here with that big, dorky smile of yours, and the more time passed, the harder it became to get the words out of my mouth. Sometimes I’d regret not telling you to leave that time, but deep inside I was happy you came back every time, like you promised.”

“Say, Yuuma…” I began, throwing my head back. “Am I a bad person?”

Isogai blinked a few times. “Why do you ask?”

“Is being selfish a bad thing? Is it bad that I’m kind of… happy that I was the only person to come visit you? Honestly, it makes me feel like an asshole.”

Isogai pulled back the covers on his bed and got on his knees, crawling a bit closer to me. The perfect angle to give me a kiss on the forehead, and he did so with a smile. “That makes two of us, then.”

I pretended I wasn’t blushing, but my boyfriend’s smirk was enough to let me know he noticed – and I _knew_ he was going to tease me about it later.

It was true, I was definitely more experienced; but that obviously didn’t mean a thing when Isogai Yuuma was the one on the receiving end of my affection.

“That reminds me, you never told me where you’d take me on our first date.”

“I usually let my date pick,” I answered, “it shows that I’m a gentleman.”

Isogai chuckled. “I can pick? Well… how about your apartment?”

“You sure dream big.”

“Anything’s better than staring at these four walls all day,” he admitted.

“Took you long enough to figure that out,” I sighed, “but it’s a promise. Anything else?”

“How about another kiss?”

 

* * *

 

“Hey, isn’t your birthday coming up soon?”

Isogai hummed. “Why you ask?”

“No reason.”

The dark-haired boy wasn’t entirely convinced by my answer, but a small smile formed on his lips. “I see.”

“It’s already been 5 months, huh.”

“And yet, it feels like we’ve known each other forever, doesn’t it?”

I nodded. “Sure does. I guess I should thank Sugino for breaking his leg.”

“You’re a great friend.”

“I try.”

I realised not much had changed in those 5 months, not even after we started dating – everything was still the same, and I was thankful for that fact. I never really thought about what would’ve happened if things turned out differently. If Isogai had turned me down, or if I’d never figured out my feelings in the first place.

“Remember what you told me last week?”

I groaned. “Don’t remind me. It was pretty embarrassing.”

“But it made me happy. I finally knew what I was fighting for, at least. So I could be by your side.”

“Once you get better, right?”

“Once I get better!”

This time, he said it with more confidence, and I smiled. “I’ll be counting on you.”

“Wait for me, okay?”

“Of course. As long as it takes.”

 

* * *

 

 

When I visited the hospital the next day, I was met with an empty bed once again.

Only this time the room was empty too.

 “Maehara-kun?”

A familiar voice made me turn around.

“Isoga-”

“Mm.”

“Okay,” the nurse replied. Her eyes were swollen. “I’ll give you time.”

She quietly closed the door when she left and I was met with complete silence once again.

I walked over to his bed, dropping down to my knees and burying my face in the covers. His smell was faint but there, and I could almost still feel his fingers brushing through my hair.

There were still so many things I wanted to say to him, a lot of new things I wanted to experience – but my biggest regret might have been not realising my feelings sooner.

“Goddamnit,” I uttered, my words muffled by the covers, “you bastard.”

_You’re crying again. Didn’t I tell you not to cry?_

“You couldn’t even wait. You just had to go ahead and die on me before I even got here.”

_I’m sorry._

“If only I’d gotten here sooner.”

_I’m sorry._

“We were supposed to go on a trip together once I saved up enough money. It was supposed to be a gift.”

_I’m sorry._

“We made all these plans.”

_I’m sorry._

“I waited. Just like you asked me to.”

_I’m sorry._

“You can’t do this. I can’t lose you. I didn’t even get to tell you a happy birthday.”

_I’m sorry._

“Please don’t do this to me, Yuuma. Please. Not now, god damnit. Not _now_. Not after you promised me you’d get better. What happened to you getting better? Was that just a lie to make me feel better? Then why… why does it feel like my heart has been ripped in two? You said you never lied to me.”

That’s not true. It’s not true and you know it. Not when you’re the one lying to yourself.

“I hate you.”

That’s not true either.

“Fuck!”

As much as I desperately tried, I couldn’t stop my tears from flowing. And this time Isogai wasn’t there to wipe them away.

For the first time in my life, I had felt true happiness.

For the first time in my life, I’d known what I wanted to do.

 

For the second time in my life, I was alone again.


	7. Epilogue

**2 years later.**   
  


“Maehara, can you handle that customer? I need to take this call.”

“Sure!”

I adjusted my apron and went to greet the lady, who just walked in, with a smile. “Welcome, ma’am. Can I help you?”

“Pardon me,” she said, giving me a weak smile, “I’m looking for flowers. For my son. He likes them.”

“What’s the occasion?”

“Today is his birthday.”

“I see! Do you know what kind of flowers he likes? Personally, I’m a big fan of these,” I said, pointing to orange-yellow coloured ones as I showed her around the shop.

“I’m not sure,” she answered, still smiling, but not with her eyes. “I haven’t seen him in a while.”

I nodded understandingly and tried to help her out as best as I could. In the end, she decided to go with the ones I’d picked out, and I complimented her good taste. I waved goodbye and wished her good luck as she left without saying another word. The store owner returned only seconds later, and I gave him a thumbs up to tell him everything went well.

“Maehara, you said you had something to take care of, right? You can have the rest of the day off. It’s been quiet.”

“You sure, boss? Thanks!” I gave him a fist-bump, which he awkwardly accepted, and took the flowers I’d kept aside all day with me. “See you tomorrow!”

I took off my apron as I was running – I didn’t exactly know _why_ I ran, but I felt like I needed to, and I arrived at my destination a lot quicker than usual. It was still early in the afternoon, but it was getting a bit colder – I mentally scolded myself for not bringing a jacket, and momentarily debated putting my apron back on. Realising it wouldn’t exactly make a difference and I’d probably end up looking like an idiot to boot, I decided against it.

Distracted by the multi-coloured trees, I forgot about the chilly weather and breathed in the fall air. I crouched down and gently placed the flowers next to the ones I’d brought last week.

“Happy birthday, Yuuma.”

I tried to smile, but every time it would feel forced.

“It’s been two years, huh. I’m doing well. I haven’t gotten fired from my new job, at least. Boss seems to have taken a liking to me, but I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m his most important customer.”

I took a deep breath and sat down, tired from crouching. I felt something wet on my cheek and looked up at the grey sky, tiny drops of rain falling down from it.

“Even though I visit you every week, I always end up not knowing what to say. Isn’t that lame?”

I waited on the sassy comment I knew was never going to come.

“But well, you know, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. About my dream… about us. So I’ve decided I’m going on a trip! I don’t know when exactly, but it’ll happen, some day. To take my mind off things, you know. I’m going to meet new people and tell them all about the sick boy in the hospital.”

I could sense someone approaching me and turned my head to see the woman I’d met earlier. She looked at me as if she was a deer caught in a car’s headlights.

“Ah. I didn’t mean to… interrupt. I’m sorry, I’ll leave soon.”

She left her flowers on Isogai’s grave and turned around, walking away from me without saying another word. I stood up.

“He never blamed you for anything!”

My words were enough to make her stop walking, but she still wouldn’t face me.

“He– Yuuma… every time he talked about you he did so with a smile. He never started resenting you. Not once could I see a glimmer of detest in his eyes. It was the opposite.”

This time she did turn around, and I could see she was crying.

“He loved you. Loves you,” I corrected myself, “And he knew you love him too. He never doubted that.”

She ran back and fell to her knees in front of his grave, sobbing heavily in her hands. “I’m sorry, Yuuma. I’m so sorry.”

I put my hand on her shoulder as a means to comfort the woman, and soon after pulled her in for a hug. It was the least I could do, for now.

As she continued crying on my shoulder, a small smile formed on my lips.

He smelled just like her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i enjoyed writing this, and even though it's shorter than i originally intended it to be, it ended the way i wanted it to. i'd actually written part of the last 2 chapters and the epilogue before i even started writing part 2. i had to cut some parts to make everything flow nicer, which is why it feels rather... lacking? 
> 
> let's just say that i'm not done with this fic and this universe and plan on writing more, including a one-shot from isogai's pov and some rewritten "deleted" scenes (it sounds more fancy than it is. they were bad)
> 
> once again thanks to everyone who read this fic and left kudos!! another shout out to my beta kat for putting up with my constant maeiso whining, she is the true mvp. and to the people from twitter, who don't care for assclass at all, who read the name isogai yuuma at least 10 times a day, i'm sorry (not that they'll ever read this, but it gives me peace of mind)


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